Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners

21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

22. “Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” – Unknown

23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Unknown

25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” – Unknown

26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.'” – The Maugles

31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand

33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” – Unknown

35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen

38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown

39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” – Unknown

40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” – Wilson Mizner