Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners

21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

22. “Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” – Unknown

23. “If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

24. “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Unknown

25. “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” – Unknown

26. “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

27. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

28. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

29. “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

30. “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.'” – The Maugles

31. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

32. “Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand

33. “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

34. “We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” – Unknown

35. “If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

36. “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

37. “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen

38. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown

39. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” – Unknown

40. “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” – Wilson Mizner

  • CharlesEsema

    funny stuff

  • kathleen

    some of it is so true

  • Annie

    This discribes me sooooooo much

  • Chaz
  • knight

    i love it

  • anoushka

    all r best but no.34 is the bestest

  • mr magoo

    i wouldent take the piss gods already had a field day with you

  • mr magoo

    pull your pants down i cant hear you loud enough

  • Unknown

    Friendship is like peeing on yourself.
    Everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

  • Dunndunn

    If I wanted to listen to an ashole I have someone fart in my face

  • MidnightRose

    Heh……these r pretty funny.

  • mwahaha

    “All right, I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager!

  • wikklewikklewikkel

    girls are like soup first you warm them up and then you put the sausage XD

  • wikklewikklewikkel

    guys are like busdrivers before you know it youre under the bus!

  • judi

    kinda disturbing but true 🙂

  • I love this!!!!!!!!!

  • Sammie

    Love portal!!

  • You get your shitty ideas By holding your fart it travel to your brain via spinal cord!

  • Dylan Clark

    Why does someone say no offence when they are about to offend you.

  • Red Comet

    If u dunno how to make a lemonade just try to squeeze it..u have a lemon juice!

  • Fizzytuna

    When life gives you lemons make apple juice and leave people wondering how the hell you did it

  • woop

    “Excuse me, you said something? Speak up, cause I can’t hear you with my dick in your mouth.” – a killer to any unfriendly babblers

  • dee edwards

    I hope your next shit is a

  • jesse stradtmab

    when life knocks you down stand up and calmly say “you hit like a bitch”

  • harry

    when some one gives you apples make lemonade and leave people wondering how the hell you did it

  • harry

    if i want some one to talk verbal die area to me i would get them to shit in my face

  • harry

    when u get knocked down by a bus get back up and say u hit me like a bich

  • harry

    this describes me sooooooooo much football

  • me

    when god flooded the earth and two of each animal was put on a boat, what the hell happened with the fish?

  • qwertyuiop

    need more funnier quotes!!!! the only one was funny really was “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • Tabrez Khan

    26 is best

  • red,ice

    if you dont know what you doing,, dont do it ,

  • Magic

    how do u make apple juice outta apples

  • Magic

    Is that how it’s done?

  • Cool guy

    When your nose is running and your feet smell ur not sick you’re just built upside down

  • Cool guy

    When your nose is running and your feet dmell your not sick you’re just built upside down

  • Thats right

  • Cookie Me

    Hahaha ! I’ll copy this stuff on twitter. They’re hilarious!

  • Unknown

    twelve (12) is the best

  • Tehseen Khan

    so that, they don’t get their ass kicked:D

  • No. 24 is my personal favourite.

  • bluebutterfly ^_^

    sum of doz quotes was funny i aint gon lie, buh sum of y’all gatta tink b4 u rite man jus writing shit on google n putting it on 4 ppl to read!!!! -_-

  • Fortressfire

    yeah right…

  • Fortressfire

    When your teacher says do not to talk—you talk…
    When your teacher says to talk in front of your classmates—you get muted

  • hallo


  • Crimsongirl

    A successful man is one who
    makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
    find such a man.
    Lana Turner

    I have six locks on my door
    all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
    long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
    Elayne Boosler

    I love deadlines. I like the
    whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
    Douglas Adams

    A man doesn’t know what he
    knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
    Laurence J. Peter

  • The_Narwhal

    When life gives you lemons, don’t waste them!!! Go find a really annoying person with paper cuts XD

  • adithya

    by all means marry;if u have a good partner you will be happy,if u have a bad one u become a philosopher – oscar wilde

  • adithya

    fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity – me

  • adithya

    when a woman say she wants a divorce a man shouts in agreement ; but when he finds out how much he has to pay her he feels like he took a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time – me

  • adithya

    crowded elevators smell different to midgets – anon

  • Gadaldinho

    Never make someone a priority yet to that person your an option.

  • yellowmellowhello

    Why did the woman spread her legs open at the office? So when the boss stuffs her paycheck up her skirt in the volt the money is safe.

  • yellowmellowhello

    Don’t drink and drive I agree but they should also come up with don’t drink and club, because you never know who the *^)% you wake up next to.

  • Chillybp

    Opinions are just like assholes, everybody has 1 but some of them really stink!!

  • Mark

    Cool post, btw… you might want to keep an eye on the advertisements you have on this page, I’m pretty sure Google Adsense only allow 3 per page! Don’t want to be getting your account shut down.

  • lilyanT

    when someone screams “kiss my ass”, i literally imagine a persons ass being kissed

  • FredaK

    good for you! sicko!!

  • Seymour6360

    #15..George Carlin

  • it don’t matter how many times you do things wrong I am always going to be right

  • wilki

    i got 1! when life gives u lemons, throw them back and say “what the fuck am i suposed 2 do with these? give me something useful, bitch!”

  • zexninja

    life is a bitch, so learn how to F*ck her

  • nancy garg

    mental aapne jise comment deva h

  • oriza stephanus

    hahahaha koplak anjirr

  • If showing respect to people doesn’t charge any money,why do some people disrespect others?

  • yepi

    very happy, great sayings

  • These are very interesting,,,It makes me laugh a lot

  • All r best but no.54 is the bestest

  • Erm…

    In Hollywood you can tell you’re rich when you say you need more money to get the necessities of life and buy a Chihuahua.

  • kizi

    guys are like busdrivers before you know it youre under the bus!

  • some of them is true i like :’ If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button’

  • Thanks for the list of top 100

  • thanks for top100. you can go to play games yepi friv very funny here

  • thanks you, you creat list top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners. It’s very interesting.

  • Y8

    very prety. like 100

  • Melit Jane Yu

    When Life gives you lemons, make lemonades and sell it. Then use the profit to buy an assault rifle. Let’s see if life makes the same mistake twice.

  • adam

    well guys stop all this and for some serious <a href = Funny quotes you need to grow up.

  • Rapelang Goodwill

    that’s too Ook

  • This is what I’ve been looking for. Thank you!

  • vinesh

    “if practice makes man perfect “then why ” nobody is perfect in the world”