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Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners

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As powerful as inspirational quotes can be, sometimes we just need a bit of humor to lighten up our day. For those occasions, funny quotes and one-liners are quite effective, especially when they poke fun at our everyday annoyances, whether it be politics, work, aging or marriage.

Not content with finding these humorous quotes on only bumper stickers, we set out to put together a list of them. After browsing through quotation websites like Quotery, Wikiquote, and BQ for a couple hours, we were able to find quite a few gems. Below, you’ll find the Top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners that are sure to put a smile on your face.

1. “How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” - Unknown

2. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” - Will Rogers

3. “Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” - José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

4. “Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” - Unknown

5. “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” - Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

6. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” - Oscar Wilde

7. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” - Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

8. “The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” - Unknown

9. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” - Albert Einstein

10. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” - Unknown

11. “Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” - Bill McGlashen

12. “Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” - Marilyn Monroe

13. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” - Al McGuire

14. “When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain

15. “Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” - Unknown

16. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam Levenson

17. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” - Earl Wilson

18. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” - Albert Einstein

19. “The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” - Will Rogers

20. “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” - Steven Wright

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  • CharlesEsema

    funny stuff

  • kathleen

    some of it is so true

  • Annie

    This discribes me sooooooo much

  • Chaz
  • knight

    i love it

  • anoushka

    all r best but no.34 is the bestest

    • Tabrez Khan

      26 is best

  • mr magoo

    i wouldent take the piss gods already had a field day with you

  • mr magoo

    pull your pants down i cant hear you loud enough

  • Unknown

    Friendship is like peeing on yourself.
    Everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

    • judi

      kinda disturbing but true :)

    • Fortressfire

      yeah right…

      • hallo

        agree…

  • Dunndunn

    If I wanted to listen to an ashole I have someone fart in my face

  • MidnightRose

    Heh……these r pretty funny.

  • mwahaha

    “All right, I’ve been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager!

    • http://www.facebook.com/WHOSGIRL8 Nancy Green

      I love this!!!!!!!!!

    • Sammie

      Love portal!!

    • Red Comet

      If u dunno how to make a lemonade just try to squeeze it..u have a lemon juice!

      • Magic

        Is that how it’s done?

    • Melit Jane Yu

      When Life gives you lemons, make lemonades and sell it. Then use the profit to buy an assault rifle. Let’s see if life makes the same mistake twice.

  • wikklewikklewikkel

    girls are like soup first you warm them up and then you put the sausage XD

  • wikklewikklewikkel

    guys are like busdrivers before you know it youre under the bus!

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashish.k.banga Ashish Kumar Banga

    You get your shitty ideas By holding your fart it travel to your brain via spinal cord!

  • Dylan Clark

    Why does someone say no offence when they are about to offend you.

    • Tehseen Khan

      so that, they don’t get their ass kicked:D

  • Fizzytuna

    When life gives you lemons make apple juice and leave people wondering how the hell you did it

    • Magic

      how do u make apple juice outta apples

    • http://www.facebook.com/johanna.melendez.14 Johanna Melendez

      Thats right

  • woop

    “Excuse me, you said something? Speak up, cause I can’t hear you with my dick in your mouth.” – a killer to any unfriendly babblers

  • dee edwards

    I hope your next shit is a hedgehog..lol

  • jesse stradtmab

    when life knocks you down stand up and calmly say “you hit like a bitch”

  • harry

    when some one gives you apples make lemonade and leave people wondering how the hell you did it

  • harry

    if i want some one to talk verbal die area to me i would get them to shit in my face

  • harry

    when u get knocked down by a bus get back up and say u hit me like a bich

  • harry

    this describes me sooooooooo much football

  • me

    when god flooded the earth and two of each animal was put on a boat, what the hell happened with the fish?

  • qwertyuiop

    need more funnier quotes!!!! the only one was funny really was “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • red,ice

    if you dont know what you doing,, dont do it ,

  • Cool guy

    When your nose is running and your feet smell ur not sick you’re just built upside down

    • nancy garg

      mental aapne jise comment deva h

  • Cool guy

    When your nose is running and your feet dmell your not sick you’re just built upside down

  • Cookie Me

    Hahaha ! I’ll copy this stuff on twitter. They’re hilarious!

  • Unknown

    twelve (12) is the best

  • http://www.inkjam.org/ Sandipan

    No. 24 is my personal favourite.

  • bluebutterfly ^_^

    sum of doz quotes was funny i aint gon lie, buh sum of y’all gatta tink b4 u rite man jus writing shit on google n putting it on 4 ppl to read!!!! -_-

  • Fortressfire

    When your teacher says do not to talk—you talk…
    When your teacher says to talk in front of your classmates—you get muted

  • Crimsongirl

    A successful man is one who
    makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can
    find such a man.
    Lana Turner

    I have six locks on my door
    all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how
    long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
    Elayne Boosler

    I love deadlines. I like the
    whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
    Douglas Adams

    A man doesn’t know what he
    knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
    Laurence J. Peter

  • The_Narwhal

    When life gives you lemons, don’t waste them!!! Go find a really annoying person with paper cuts XD

  • adithya

    by all means marry;if u have a good partner you will be happy,if u have a bad one u become a philosopher – oscar wilde

  • adithya

    fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity – me

  • adithya

    when a woman say she wants a divorce a man shouts in agreement ; but when he finds out how much he has to pay her he feels like he took a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time – me

  • adithya

    crowded elevators smell different to midgets – anon

  • Gadaldinho

    Never make someone a priority yet to that person your an option.

  • yellowmellowhello

    Why did the woman spread her legs open at the office? So when the boss stuffs her paycheck up her skirt in the volt the money is safe.

  • yellowmellowhello

    Don’t drink and drive I agree but they should also come up with don’t drink and club, because you never know who the *^)% you wake up next to.

  • Chillybp

    Opinions are just like assholes, everybody has 1 but some of them really stink!!

    • Rapelang Goodwill

      that’s too Ook

  • Mark

    Cool post, btw… you might want to keep an eye on the advertisements you have on this page, I’m pretty sure Google Adsense only allow 3 per page! Don’t want to be getting your account shut down.

  • lilyanT

    when someone screams “kiss my ass”, i literally imagine a persons ass being kissed

    • FredaK

      good for you! sicko!!

  • Seymour6360

    #15..George Carlin

  • http://www.facebook.com/andy.c.hughes Andy Hughes

    it don’t matter how many times you do things wrong I am always going to be right

  • wilki

    i got 1! when life gives u lemons, throw them back and say “what the fuck am i suposed 2 do with these? give me something useful, bitch!”

  • zexninja

    life is a bitch, so learn how to F*ck her

  • oriza stephanus

    hahahaha koplak anjirr

  • http://twitter.com/fanta_etefa Fanta Etefa

    If showing respect to people doesn’t charge any money,why do some people disrespect others?

  • http://www.yepiclip.com/ yepi

    very happy, great sayings

  • http://friv-2.yepi-yepi.com/ Friv 2

    These are very interesting,,,It makes me laugh a lot

  • http://www.yepi-yepi.com/ Yepi Friv

    All r best but no.54 is the bestest

  • Erm…

    In Hollywood you can tell you’re rich when you say you need more money to get the necessities of life and buy a Chihuahua.

  • http://www.kizi800.com/ kizi

    guys are like busdrivers before you know it youre under the bus!

  • http://yepi4u.com/ kizi1990

    some of them is true i like :’ If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button’ http://www.9kizi.com/

  • http://www.kizi-2.org/ Kizi 2

    Thanks for the list of top 100

  • http://yepi-games.kizifriv1.com/ Yepi Friv

    thanks for top100. you can go to play games yepi friv very funny here

  • http://kizi-3.kizi2.com/ kizi3

    thanks you, you creat list top 100: Funny Quotes and One-Liners. It’s very interesting.

  • http://www.y8u.org/ Y8

    very prety. like 100

  • adam

    well guys stop all this and for some serious <a href = Funny quotes you need to grow up.

  • http://www.minecraftgames.co/ Minecraft Games

    This is what I’ve been looking for. Thank you!

  • vinesh

    “if practice makes man perfect “then why ” nobody is perfect in the world”