bad cat

6 Reasons Not To Own A Cat (AKA The Devil’s Oven Mitts)

Your Furry Feline Friend May Have Won Your Heart, But We’re Sticking With These Reasons Not To Own A Cat Because, As You’re About To See, Behind Every Kitty Is A Clawed Demon From Hell Waiting To Steal Your Soul.

1. They Have Claws And A Predatory Nature.

claws

One of the major disadvantages of owning a cat is that they have claws like that guy Bruce Lee fought at the end of Enter the Dragon. And since we’re no Bruce, that’s a fight we’d rather avoid. You do have the option, of course, to get them declawed, but that means they spend all their time indoors, which really deserves its own entry on this list. Good thing it gets one. (See number five). If you care anything about your feline friend, then sticking them outside after getting them declawed means they have no way to defend themselves against other predators — namely, other cats — and they’ll need the protection because, by and large, cats are a**holes, and they hate each other.

2. They Only Like You When It Suits Them.

cat using people

Another of the many cat ownership drawbacks you have to deal with is the knowledge that they only like you when it suits them. If you were in a marriage or relationship where the other person was only nice to you when it needed something, you wouldn’t appreciate it very much. Yet some of you have no problem cuddling an animal that’s constantly trying to escape you. You pet them only when they want you to, and if they ever escape and someone else feeds them, good luck seeing them again. At that point, you no longer own a pet, but an adult animal with his own place who may or may not come back a few times per year to visit.

3. They Carry Disease.

Cat and Mouse

Toxoplasmosis, ringworm, hookworms, tetanus, rabies — these are just a few of the diseases your house cat may carry, and they’re also all great Reasons Not To Own A Cat, never mind the rest of the entries on our list. To avoid reaping the consequences, you’ll need to lay out some money to make sure kitty has the right vaccinations and medicines on hand. Vet bills are a consistent annoyance with these animals. They even carry something called “cat scratch fever” — yes, it’s a real thing, according to the National Organization of Rare Diseases — and whenever an animal is a carrier for a Ted Nugent song, you should avoid that species altogether.

4. They Crap In A Box That’s Nastier Than It Sounds.

cat_litter_heart

On the surface, litter boxes may seem preferable to picking up turd-nuggets with a piece of toilet paper or washing stains out of your carpet, but it’s not. Not to get too explicit, but when dogs do their business, it’s usually a clean pickup and doesn’t linger in the air infecting the entire room or, depending on how many cats you own, the house as a whole. Unless you want to change the litter box every few hours, a cat’s business is going to leave a stench, and it’s one that cat owners often times don’t even realize. But those of us who pay our feline loving friends a visit know. Boy, do we know. We will give the animals one thing, though. Their behaviors can be modified easier than dogs, and we’ve even seen cats, who can use the toilet, but it takes a lot of work to reach that point. Of course, the toilet training pros at Litter Kwitter would beg to differ, but we haven’t tried that path to know for sure if it works. We suppose cats would be less annoying if they did use a toilet. At least your place wouldn’t stink, but getting dressed for work in the morning might be a problem, especially if your pet’s a diva.

5. They Don’t Respect Your Things.

cat scraching furniture

With a house cat, you’ve always got to worry about them climbing all over your curtains, getting their claws stuck in the fabric, and then squalling like a mad demon when you try to safely remove them without an impromptu declawing session. And when they’re not deviling the curtains, they leave scratch marks on your car, cabinets, and anything else of value they can set their claws on. They think the whole world is there for their own personal amusement, and they don’t give a rip what they’ve got to do to reinforce that to you. Stereo equipment, coffee tables, sofas — in their little minds, nothing is off limits.

6. They’re Big Fans Of The Rope-A-Dope.

claws in skin

A couple I know once owned a cat that seemingly hated everyone, them included. This friend and I would carpool to work every morning, which entailed me arriving at his house early and hanging with the cat until everyone was ready for school and work. Amazingly enough, I was one of the only people in the world the cat seemed to like. He would always come up to me and expect to be petted. Correction: he would pet himself with my hand. Considering my long and uncertain history with cats, I didn’t want to exhibit too much movement, so the hand would usually fall to my side, and he would rub his head and body against it. However, just when I thought the cat actually did enjoy my company, he would turn and try to take a bite out of my fingers, which hadn’t moved by the way so I know I wasn’t doing anything “wrong” to annoy him. He was just a jackass and enjoyed roping me in before trying to take a plug out of me. And I fell for it every time, which not only illustrates how purely evil cats are, but also calls attention to the fact that I’m not the biggest turd in the box.

If you’re a cat owner, our apologies. If not, then you probably know of some other big cat ownership drawbacks. What are they?

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  • dennis

    You did not mention a big one: all of the disgusting hair all over the house, on your clothes and in the food.

  • Neko El Gato

    You can always go eat shit.